Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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