Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
