good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Success! We fucked roommates!
Randomize