The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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