the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize