Plan B is the new Plan A
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
