cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
