when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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