you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My vagina is officially offended.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize