Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Randomize
