Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
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