I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize