the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Randomize
