I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize