So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
