I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Randomize
