I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
