On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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