haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
