How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
We talked him into tasing himself.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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