I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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