What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
