Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Randomize
