By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
