I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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