he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize