'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
