so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Congratulations! We have a period
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