ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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