Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize