How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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