I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
