1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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