Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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