i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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