Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize