I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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