I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
