i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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