Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
