96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize