I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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