the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize