Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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