saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
