I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
