So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
