thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
