I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize