we're chasing vodka with high fives
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Randomize