doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
the room spins SO much faster in panama
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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