whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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