Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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