I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
