This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
