Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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