I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Randomize
