Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Let's paint friendship bongs
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize